Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 32. This birthday was different from others. In the past, I would get really sad when my birthday came around. When the number ticked by I would be struck by what I didn’t have. At 22 I still didn’t know what career I wanted. At 25 I still wasn’t married. At 29 I still didn’t have any kids. At 30 I faced the reality that I might never have kids. My feelings of sadness were based on goals I had set for myself that had no basis in reality. At least not in my reality. I think we naturally look at our parents’ lives and use them as a guidepost for how our own lives will play out. But that’s just not realistic anymore. Things are so different now than they were in my parents generation. The other reason I would get birthday-ennui is that I would often evaluate my life in terms of what I didn’t have rather than what I do have.

Like I said before, this year was different and here’s why:

1. I’ve always felt like getting to my birthday marks an accomplishment. What that accomplishment is, I don’t know. This year, I’m seeing it as a gift. Yes I’m young, but you never know how long you have on this earth. I’ll do my part not to drive like a maniac and to exercise and eat right, but at the end of the day, we have little say in how long we live. So, I’m grateful for another year of life.

2. There are days I’m looking forward to after my birthday. It seems to me like we can put a lot of pressure on the day itself. It has to be amazing, wonderful, memorable. These are all fine but when it comes down to it, it’s just a day. Yes I want it to be acknowledged, but I don’t need it to be a big production. The days that I’m really looking forward to are a) the day we are chosen to be adoptive parents, b) the day I go legit camping this summer and c) our 5 year wedding anniversary (because we’ve gone through a lot of crap and making it to five years is a big deal).

3. Being in your 30s is kind of awesome. I’ve been working for a few years and feel established in my career. My husband and I are settled in our home and our community. I find I have a confidence that I just didn’t have in my twenties – I know who I am and what I’m about and I’m not afraid to share ‘me’ with other people. When it comes down to it, I’m really enjoying my life.

4. It’s been a hard two years and it feels like the storm is over. Okay, there are more challenges to come I’m sure, but going through something really difficult and coming out of it with grace, new perspectives and deeper relationships, well, that’s a miracle worth celebrating.

5. ‘Old’ is a state of mind that has little to do with age. I look at my dad who is 74 and he’s active and working and always learning. I want to be like that.

32 may be the year that I become a mom. But if it’s not, than that’s okay.

It’s going to be the year I enjoy what I do have.

It’s going to be the year that I love my husband well.

It’s going to be the year that I grow closer with my family.

It’s going to be the year that God brings newness and healing in my life.

It’s going to be the year that I eat more fudge. Because it’s delicious.

So happy birthday to me. Or whatever.