And it was a happy day for him when he gave us our new lives through the truth of his Word, and we became, as it were, the first children in his new family. James 1:18 (TLB)

Family can mean a lot of different things. Brothers and sisters and father and mother make up a family. Cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents make up family. Friends can feel like family. The communities within which we exist can feel like family. I had a dream of what my family would be. It involved children. I thought four was a good number, although I always felt guilty saying that in front of my brother, the fifth child in our family. But as your start your ‘own’ family, you decide how you want to be similar to your family or origin and how you want to be different. Leaving your family to start a new one becomes exciting because there are so many possibilities and with those possibilities, endless dreams. 

It’s amazing how quickly those dreams can vanish. When my husband and I learned that having our ‘own’ children probably wouldn’t happen, my dreams begin to change. Now, I no longer want four children, I’d do anything to have just one. I feel like my dream of four children was greedy now that all our efforts and resources have become focused on bringing that one child into our family. 

I watch as my sisters have their own children and I start to worry. The family of my future seems impossible and the family of my past is changing so quickly that I’m left behind. I know my husband is now my family but a fear starts to creep into my mind. What if he dies?  I wonder about this when I can’t sleep at night. The spaces in my mind that were once occupied by dreams have been filled with fears. Perhaps fear is more appropriate as it’s just one fear. The fear of being alone. 

I read the stories I’ve grown up hearing; of Rachel and Hannah and Sarah and Elizabeth. Women who all longed for a baby. Women who all got what they longed for. I wonder if I am one of these women. 

My pastor tells me that the last miracle baby in the Bible was John and then Jesus was born. We don’t read any infetility stories after that. When Jesus came, things changed. Family wasn’t just about blood, it was about community. Redemption means that no one is left alone. Everyone has a place in this new family, widows and orphans and me.

So maybe I’ll be a Hannah or a Rachel. Maybe I’ll be a Mordecai and care for a child that is not my ‘own’. Whatever outcome, I know that I won’t be alone. I have a family. And that gives me something new to dream about.